I wrote this book so that our sons can someday read plainly, as adults, about the life they grew up in, and choose to break the cycle when they marry. I hope they value loving deeply someday when they are men. I’ve spoken love to them, held them, listened to them, cared about what matters to them, given my life’s time to them, and explored the world with them. I have tucked them in every night of their lives, taking turns lying next to them for sometimes up to an hour listening to their thoughts about life, singing to them, and rubbing their backs. I have also received their love in their words, their time, their emotions, and their sweet cuddling and hugs. They notice when I’m sad and comfort me. They know when I’m tired and stop me to hug me in passing in the kitchen. They’ve lived a life of watching each other’s nonverbals and have always known how to respond with immediacy. They deserve to be loved in blatant, tactile ways by their someday-spouses, and their spouses deserve to be ever-cherished in every obvious way by them. While I don’t think I’ll present it to them as a gift on their wedding days, the right timing for passing on this book will present itself for each son.
So far, despite all my concerns that our kids could turn out deeply affected by all of this, they are remarkably well-adjusted. They’re also polite, respectful, intelligent, sensitive, and communicative. They are clean but not clean freaks, organized but not obsessive, and conscientious people who naturally understand that living life supersedes maintaining things. They’ve watched us struggle, listened to me explain our difficulties, and I hope and pray they’ve learned vicariously from the issues.
Both our kids may be genetically predisposed to having tendencies like my husband’s the longer they live and perhaps the longer they remain single, but they are very aware of their dad’s ways. I imagine there’s a good chance they could become more like him over time without noticing it, so that’s one of the reasons this book exists.
Oddly, I’m the one that needs to be the most careful these days. I’ve become so intolerant and outspoken against the myriad behaviors I’ve dealt with through the years that I can be cutting if I don’t examine my thoughts or filter my words. I can be sharp if I react before thinking. I can feel something heavy that threatens our lightheartedness without realizing until later on that there was a trigger from the past that set me off, something in his voice or actions that’s a microscopic blast from the past.
I also write this book for you. In the beginning of us, when I realized my husband’s qualities matched OCPD descriptions online, I sought out books and websites that could help me. There weren’t many back then, but a small book called Tightrope Walking talked about everything I was experiencing. One day I had this urge to start writing it all down, hoping that sharing my story would somehow help. I have no idea how reading about my life experiences will help anyone. But I feel that somehow it will, whether you’ll realize you’re not alone or find strength in some way I can’t foresee. Perhaps my vulnerability and lack of advice will actually bolster you in some way. Sometimes it isn’t advice we seek; it’s simply knowing that someone else out there knows what we’re going through. Really knows.
Every single one of us has a story that can help someone else.
Neglect’s Toll on a Wife: Perfection’s Grip on My Husband’s Attention © 2023-2024 Lila Meadowbrook
