My father’s responsibility and reliability were unparalleled. He not only provided for a family of seven, but he also took care of his mother’s nursing home costs, sent money to his siblings back in the Midwest, and put most of us through college or technical school. He took care of everyone in his life, which is ironic because his mom used to call him the black sheep of the family. When she was especially frustrated with him, she’d call him “my son of whom I am not proud.” None of us could ever understand that. We laughed at hearing our dad say that when we were growing up, because he’s always been the straight-and-narrow type. He was more like the white sheep, born to a very untraditional, motorcycle-riding, astrology-reliant mother.
I grew up with security. Maybe deep down, my subconscious needed security and reliability over romance, if I couldn’t have it all in one person.
When I’m not dwelling on the lack of affection I experience in a union that’s more cohabitation than companionship, I am utterly relieved by what I’ve gotten to experience because of my husband’s personality. While his daily oddities give me daily frustrations, I’ve had an enviable life. A perfect life, from an outsider’s perspective. I remember an old friend from high school remarking that she didn’t want to tell me about her problems because my life was perfect and I wouldn’t understand. She had seen a photo of us smiling together in some beautiful place. And it’s true. I’ve gotten to be a stay-at-home mother and raise our children in stunning places. I’ve spent my days loving and adventuring with our boys. I’ve spent gobs of time cooing and cuddling and reading and supporting. Post-wedding, I’ve never gone to the store and wondered how I would afford groceries. I’ve always bought second-hand clothes for all of us not because I’ve had to but because that’s just what I do.
If anyone were to look at our family photo albums or watch our home videos, they would think we were a “normal” family. Our home life is cute and cozy, we love to exercise and enjoy nature, and we spend our time being together. My husband and I smile easily, and our kids are happy people in general. We wouldn’t tend to scowl for a photo or have an argument about superficialities while being videoed. But no one—except for close family, friends, and women in bible study groups—would have any idea what we’ve gone through emotionally, were it not for this book.
When my friend said we were perfect, I knew then and there that somehow I needed to communicate our imperfections. The last thing the world needs is more Facebook misperceptions. What most people need at one point or another is to know they aren’t the only ones with difficulties.
Discord aside, a person ruled by rigidity and routines like my husband can end up being significantly successful in some of the most important and fulfilling aspects of their lives. As a result of working diligently, wanting to make good choices, and creating routines that lead from goal-setting to dream-accomplishing, my husband became the best athlete and professor he could be. In a triathlon filled with top athletes, it wasn’t unheard of for him to place somewhere in the top of his age group. In his professional life, he was so dedicated and so proficient at communicating to his students that he routinely received incredible letters from graduates from all walks of life whose careers were markedly affected by the knowledge he was able to impart to them. Some teachers probably get a few handfuls of letters. He has stacks. Thick stacks gushing with compliments and gratefulnesses.
Because of my husband’s consistency, he is also a rock-solid provider. He doesn’t want to miss any area when it comes to earning, saving, and investing wisely. He is orderly, timely, knowledgeable, and self-controlled, which are key ingredients in the financial world. He pays our bills and does our taxes. He stays vigilant of the stock market. He budgets for each month’s expenses.
Because of his attentiveness, he is neat, clean, organized, and does things when they need to be done. He immediately fixes our problems, like plumbing gone awry, and cat-gouged screen doors, and refrigerators and water heaters on the fritz. And he keeps his environment tidy. He never leaves an area without cleaning up first. He does his dishes, wipes the counters, sweeps the patio, organizes the garage. He’s a hard worker. He mows the lawn when it needs it. He weeds our forest jungle when invasive plants threaten to take over. He never puts off for tomorrow what he could do today. From what I hear, that isn’t the norm. For those reasons, I am grateful!
Because of my husband’s need for order and control, he offers a predictable, secure life for us. I know where he is at all times because of his daily routine. I know he will pay the bills on time. I know that if he says he’ll stay home with the kids while I visit family afar, he won’t have me to rely on, so he’ll do a much better job at parenting than when I’m around. Perhaps even a better job at parenting than I do.
Because my husband isn’t overly interested in matters of the flesh, I never worry about wandering eyes or wandering hands. He respects women and treats people politely. He’s not at all the type to meet buddies at a racy bar on Friday or undress a woman with his mind in passing. If there’s anything consuming his thought life, it isn’t eroticism; it’s the stock market or a televised bike race or a business show he’s wanting to see. Jealousy and infidelity aren’t struggles I’ve had to navigate. To say I’m thankful for that is an understatement.
Because my husband is passionate about exercising a lot daily, he will always be okay with my interest in daily exercise. This is one of the many reasons I married him. A triathlete won’t balk at a wife who wants to go on long bike rides, or a family vacation built around lots of movement. Someone who likes to use their body will parent accordingly. This has always been and will always be very important to me. I love nature. I love being out in the day as much as possible. I love using my legs to get places. Our kids have grown up walking, biking, and running all over the place. We walk or bike to school every day. Sometimes they’ve arrived to class with pants soaked up to the knees from rain, but it’s been wonderful. They are comfortable in their skin, they know they can get anywhere they want to go, and not much ever seems physically daunting to them. Mileage and weather don’t faze them much, and riding in the car is almost a luxury. They appreciate forests, animals, and beautiful sunsets. Frankly, I’m not sure I could handle marriage with someone who didn’t care for daily adventures on foot.
Because my husband is frugal, he enjoys simplicity and is ever-resourceful. He desires little, enjoys what he has, and figures out how to fix problems on his own. He doesn’t keep up with the Joneses, and revels in life’s simple pleasures. You can often find him picking blackberries off bushes for his cereal or plucking pears to cut up for his salad. This so fits who I am. I buy used clothes and used books. I can’t stand to spend money on things I don’t need. We’d both rather pinch pennies now and use the money on an unforgettable experience later.
For every difficult adjective my husband is, he also embodies character traits that are highly beneficial in marriage—he is reliable, responsible, predictable, neat, organized, diligent, disciplined, hardworking, etc. I’m sure a lot of wives long desperately for attributes like those in their husband. The irony is that his perfectionism is at the root of so many of those traits.
Neglect’s Toll on a Wife: Perfection’s Grip on My Husband’s Attention © 2023-2024 Lila Meadowbrook
